Friendship – a love letter
I have started this blog several times. The original title was vengeance which quickly morphed into the burden of being right which then morphed into gratitude which then morphed into friendship – a love letter.
Last evening I was texting with a young man who has recently suffered through the pain of the end of a relationship following his discovery that the young woman with whom he thought he had a committed relationship was having sex with another man in the very same house that they were sharing. He is better now, partly because he has managed to get her fired from the job he helped her get. He was attempting to explain to this old man why vengeance is appropriate or the right/ moral action to take. He is convinced that:
“Jim I (sic) am a vengeful (sic) man, but my vengeance (sic) is reserved only for those who deserve it. I guess our opinions come from our different philosophies, nut (sic) i have learned that people like my ex have to be punished. The fact is if one person can hurt you. They can all hurt you.
The strong decide and the week (sic) are obliged by the strong. Justice is a product of the capable and the week (sic) are granted peace only because the strong allow it. When the weak run a foul against the strong they are intern (sic) at the mercy of the ones in power. That is the law. That is how it works.”
When I explained to him that I have yet to discover a fair or just way to compare my “sins” with those of any other human being he had responded with the statement about the strong deciding who is more deserving of punishment.
Certainly I am aware that throughout recorded history there have been very thoughtful people who have posited the theory of the survival of the fittest or the strongest. Not surprisingly I question the concept of strength. I am convinced – correctly or incorrectly - that the most powerful strength is the courage to accept and, yes, even love one’s own humanness . I think that is the base for being able to love others, mother earth, and the God or Gods of one’s understanding.
Last evening I needed to remind myself that my only “job” with this young man is to love him. It is not to convince him of “my truth:” to prove that I am right and he is wrong. It is as simple as loving him even if my loving him does not, by itself, constitute a friendship. Although my love is certainly a necessary condition for a friendship, it is not sufficient. I am fearful that I could easily do or say something which this young man could decide is deserving of vengeance – of punishment.
I am feeling very grateful that I do not need to be right or to convince this young man that hating, judging, and punishment are self-defeating actions although that is what I believe. I know that this young man needs to feel he is right in order to be feel loved. That is not uncommon for a young person . Of course I would like to think the contrary might have described me as a young man. I hope so but I cannot say that with any degree of certainly. I am very capable of convincing myself of truths I later recognize as lies.
This led me to thinking about the miracle of those friends who I sincerely believe love me unconditionally. With these friends I know that I will not be punished no matter what I do or do not do. That is not to say that I am not challenged by them. They constantly challenged me to grow.
Early this morning while I was at the gym (Yes, I am one of those obnoxious people who go at 5:30 or 6:00 in the a.m.) I had a text and an email from my friend Howard . Someone had shared with him the following poem and he wanted to share it with me.
Self Portrait
It doesn't interest me if there is one God or many gods. I want to know if you belong or feel abandoned. If you know despair or can see it in others. I want to know if you are prepared to live in the world with its harsh need to change you. If you can look back with firm eyes saying this is where I stand. I want to know if you know how to melt into that fierce heat of living falling toward the center of your longing. I want to know if you are willing to live, day by day, with the consequence of love and the bitter unwanted passion of your sure defeat.
I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even the gods speak of God.
n David Whyte from Fire in the Earth ©1992 Many Rivers Press (One can also see a video of Mr. Whyte reading the poem on you tube.)
David Whyte is new to me. Somehow I have missed this amazing, soft, strong, wise voice. What a lovely gift to receive from Howard. Of course I then shared the poem with several other friends.
One of those to whom I sent the poem was a friend with whom I exchange emails every morning. I know that she is in the process of moving and, thus, very busy. Even so, unless she is out of town as she was Monday and Tuesday, I hear from her very early in the morning. I had not heard from her even when I returned from the gym. I texted her to make sure she was okay. She was fine but had been very busy cleaning up after a sick cat and then running to the hospital to check on and be supportive of aged aunt who had fallen this morning. She took the time to text me back assuring she was okay and later wrote.
I love every line of “Self Portrait” but the line “I want to know if you belong or feel abandoned.” especially stood out. Since I often work for/with/care about those dealing with addiction to alcohol, other drugs, sex, food other something else I feel sad when addiction takes over the life of some dear person leaving them feeling abandoned by God or the Gods, themselves and the world. Addiction, by its very nature is a very isolating “disease.”
With good friends I never feel abandoned. I know I belong no matter how distant we live from each other.
In loving me unconditionally my friends support me in searching for that core of me which needs to be lived, spoken, danced, painted, or sung. They know that whatever risks are involved that to fail to search for that part of me in this journey of life is to die without having lived. Since I am a naturally curious fellow I had to look up more poems written and shared by David Whyte. One of those , The Journey, validated my own believe in needing to support those I love in finding that part of them which needs to be lived, spoken, danced, painted or sung.
The Journey, by David Whyte
Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again
painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.
Sometimes everything
has to be
inscribed across
the heavens
so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.
Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that
small, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.
Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out
someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.
You are not leaving
even as the light fades quickly now
you are arriving.
*From the Book: House of Belonging, by David Whyte
David Whyte – his voice, his words, his passion – will continue to nurture me. The sharing of him by Howard has validated my need to keep reaching for the sky – to keep reaching deep within my heart for another kernel of what it means to be a friend – to myself, mother earth, others, and the God of my understanding.
Thanks to all the friends who give me love and encouragement to keep searching/reaching.
Written September 14, 2015
I have started this blog several times. The original title was vengeance which quickly morphed into the burden of being right which then morphed into gratitude which then morphed into friendship – a love letter.
Last evening I was texting with a young man who has recently suffered through the pain of the end of a relationship following his discovery that the young woman with whom he thought he had a committed relationship was having sex with another man in the very same house that they were sharing. He is better now, partly because he has managed to get her fired from the job he helped her get. He was attempting to explain to this old man why vengeance is appropriate or the right/ moral action to take. He is convinced that:
“Jim I (sic) am a vengeful (sic) man, but my vengeance (sic) is reserved only for those who deserve it. I guess our opinions come from our different philosophies, nut (sic) i have learned that people like my ex have to be punished. The fact is if one person can hurt you. They can all hurt you.
The strong decide and the week (sic) are obliged by the strong. Justice is a product of the capable and the week (sic) are granted peace only because the strong allow it. When the weak run a foul against the strong they are intern (sic) at the mercy of the ones in power. That is the law. That is how it works.”
When I explained to him that I have yet to discover a fair or just way to compare my “sins” with those of any other human being he had responded with the statement about the strong deciding who is more deserving of punishment.
Certainly I am aware that throughout recorded history there have been very thoughtful people who have posited the theory of the survival of the fittest or the strongest. Not surprisingly I question the concept of strength. I am convinced – correctly or incorrectly - that the most powerful strength is the courage to accept and, yes, even love one’s own humanness . I think that is the base for being able to love others, mother earth, and the God or Gods of one’s understanding.
Last evening I needed to remind myself that my only “job” with this young man is to love him. It is not to convince him of “my truth:” to prove that I am right and he is wrong. It is as simple as loving him even if my loving him does not, by itself, constitute a friendship. Although my love is certainly a necessary condition for a friendship, it is not sufficient. I am fearful that I could easily do or say something which this young man could decide is deserving of vengeance – of punishment.
I am feeling very grateful that I do not need to be right or to convince this young man that hating, judging, and punishment are self-defeating actions although that is what I believe. I know that this young man needs to feel he is right in order to be feel loved. That is not uncommon for a young person . Of course I would like to think the contrary might have described me as a young man. I hope so but I cannot say that with any degree of certainly. I am very capable of convincing myself of truths I later recognize as lies.
This led me to thinking about the miracle of those friends who I sincerely believe love me unconditionally. With these friends I know that I will not be punished no matter what I do or do not do. That is not to say that I am not challenged by them. They constantly challenged me to grow.
Early this morning while I was at the gym (Yes, I am one of those obnoxious people who go at 5:30 or 6:00 in the a.m.) I had a text and an email from my friend Howard . Someone had shared with him the following poem and he wanted to share it with me.
Self Portrait
It doesn't interest me if there is one God or many gods. I want to know if you belong or feel abandoned. If you know despair or can see it in others. I want to know if you are prepared to live in the world with its harsh need to change you. If you can look back with firm eyes saying this is where I stand. I want to know if you know how to melt into that fierce heat of living falling toward the center of your longing. I want to know if you are willing to live, day by day, with the consequence of love and the bitter unwanted passion of your sure defeat.
I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even the gods speak of God.
n David Whyte from Fire in the Earth ©1992 Many Rivers Press (One can also see a video of Mr. Whyte reading the poem on you tube.)
David Whyte is new to me. Somehow I have missed this amazing, soft, strong, wise voice. What a lovely gift to receive from Howard. Of course I then shared the poem with several other friends.
One of those to whom I sent the poem was a friend with whom I exchange emails every morning. I know that she is in the process of moving and, thus, very busy. Even so, unless she is out of town as she was Monday and Tuesday, I hear from her very early in the morning. I had not heard from her even when I returned from the gym. I texted her to make sure she was okay. She was fine but had been very busy cleaning up after a sick cat and then running to the hospital to check on and be supportive of aged aunt who had fallen this morning. She took the time to text me back assuring she was okay and later wrote.
I love every line of “Self Portrait” but the line “I want to know if you belong or feel abandoned.” especially stood out. Since I often work for/with/care about those dealing with addiction to alcohol, other drugs, sex, food other something else I feel sad when addiction takes over the life of some dear person leaving them feeling abandoned by God or the Gods, themselves and the world. Addiction, by its very nature is a very isolating “disease.”
With good friends I never feel abandoned. I know I belong no matter how distant we live from each other.
In loving me unconditionally my friends support me in searching for that core of me which needs to be lived, spoken, danced, painted, or sung. They know that whatever risks are involved that to fail to search for that part of me in this journey of life is to die without having lived. Since I am a naturally curious fellow I had to look up more poems written and shared by David Whyte. One of those , The Journey, validated my own believe in needing to support those I love in finding that part of them which needs to be lived, spoken, danced, painted or sung.
The Journey, by David Whyte
Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again
painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.
Sometimes everything
has to be
inscribed across
the heavens
so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.
Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that
small, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.
Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out
someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.
You are not leaving
even as the light fades quickly now
you are arriving.
*From the Book: House of Belonging, by David Whyte
David Whyte – his voice, his words, his passion – will continue to nurture me. The sharing of him by Howard has validated my need to keep reaching for the sky – to keep reaching deep within my heart for another kernel of what it means to be a friend – to myself, mother earth, others, and the God of my understanding.
Thanks to all the friends who give me love and encouragement to keep searching/reaching.
Written September 14, 2015
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